


To Die For >:)

by deathbyspaceglam



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Ktavnukkah 5777, Other, anything's a dildo if you're brave enough, questionably sentient lightsabers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 19:19:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9137785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathbyspaceglam/pseuds/deathbyspaceglam
Summary: Kylo Ren had more sexual tension with the lightsaber in the snow than with anyone else in the entire movie.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for day 8 of Ktavnukkah.  
> Actually written in August while I was recovering from top surgery and coming down from the anesthesia.

kylo ren was walkng aoutside sarkiller base when he was saw- a TRAITOR! the traitor looked at him and presed a pbutron- PSHOOO! a long blue thing came otu of the cylinder in his hands. idt was… GRANDFATHERS LIGHTSABER!!!  
kilo waved hisa wesome crossguard ightsaber- it was fire, it was crackling and red hot, and kalo had to admit it was kindof sexy, but it jsut didnt have the same kind of sexisnee as granddaddys. “that lightsver is mine” he said  
the trairtor finn held the saber in fofrnt of his face. “come get it~” he teased.

finn was lying on the groudn. kulo saw the saber- his dsaber, granddaddys saber- the sight of it almostnemae him hardi n the nono zone. kolo reached ot one hand. “my love,” he said, “ive cumfor you at last.” with every ounceo fhis being, he grappled woth the force-  
the saber, almost bitchspalping him in the face, flew right past him… towERDS THE SCABENGER!  
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” kelo screamed, dropping to his knees. the saber was his, how dare it chet on him with someone like her? rey was a dirty scabernerger, not an awesome sith like kaleio and his grandfatehr before him. she didnt desever the sabers sexy hilt like he did.

killo held and softly caresed the metal cylinder in his pale mayonnaise hands. it alone ws the perfect one for him- constructed lovingluy by grandfathe, it ws his one treu ally in the clone wars, leading him alonger his true path, that of a dark lordof the shit. then… kylie didntk now what happened. he dint care. all that matterd is it was his now. hs saber only, to have nd to hold through sickenss and throug helthauntil death do them art. hodling the saber in one hand, he dipped the other ina jar jar at his bedside, wich he kept in the drawer udner grandpops melted hellmet. he ran his wet fingers arond and insdie the edge of his sith tunnel jsut as the foce surroudns us and penetrates us. he was eady. liftng the saber to his lips, he stroked it and whispered sweet nothigns, and pressed is open woudn looking lips against the base. slowly, tenderly, e lowered the saber along his body, positoning the vent against his you-know-what. slowly, eagerly, he pushed the hilt of the saber into his sith tunnel and they did it for the first time.  
and the only time.  
just as the vent of granddaddys saber touched the side of kuulos postate, he sighlod and pulled back the hilt- and suddenly he had a liltle blue circle in the middle of his forehead. gasping in an ambiguos mix of shocka nd pleasue, he fell to the floor andd ied.

the crossguard lightsaber cried for the restof the day. it was shocked and saddened that its master was cheating on it with that blue jedi lightsaber and not sure how to feel about his death. the melted mask looked on without seeng- somewhere, in the jedi afterlife, the man who once occupied the mask cringed.

a long time later, the two new jedi jsut finished their search of starkiller base. they took everythign back with them from that room- the crossguard lightsaber, the melted mask, and the lifeless form of the man who died in the dagnerous art of saberplay.  
rey turned up her nose. “i cant believe lukes ligtsaber is stuck in side that monster,” she complained.  
finn looked like he was about to puke. “what would general organa think if she found out?”  
rey winced. “what would luke think?”  
just then luke appeared out of nowhere and saw wht was hapenig. he shrugged. “is either of you going to try to get that oue?”  
rey and finn looked like someone just told them to go back to jakku. “no!” they both said.  
“you know han used that thing to cut open a dead tauntaun for me once” he said offhandly.  
finn and rey looked at each other and made the motion of trowing up.

**Author's Note:**

> -a lightsaber blade is about 3 feet long  
> -SHR in adults is on average just under 1/2  
> -Adam/Kylo is 6’2”  
> -6’2” / 2 = 3’1”  
> -an onlooker would see the tip of the lightsaber burning a small blue circle into his forehead


End file.
